How To Make A Million Dollars While Doing Almost Nothing

Who better to probe the enigmatic workings of the USTA Mind than the Commish, an entity that is itself a conceptual exercise? Recently, someone dared to suggest once more that Rich Neher is the Commish. The Commish, of course, finds this notion deeply offensive and reductive, as it would shrink its collective brilliance to the musings of a single man. So, kindly abandon this misconception. Recite the Commish bio aloud ten times to properly acquaint yourself with Commishspeak. Let’s dispense with this Rich business and move on.

Now, onto our topic: “How To Make A Million Dollars While Doing Almost Nothing.” We might subtitle it, “While Double Dipping, Multi-Tasking, or Simply Drawing a Salary for No Good Reason.” Anyway, the Commish has decided to interview a high-ranking USTA executive to get an insider's view of what really transpires behind the scenes. Picture this as a Disney movie, peeling back the layers of PR speak and spin to reveal the raw, honest emotions of our USTA Official. The bracketed sections represent the unspoken thoughts.

Commish: I’ve heard from many at your level that transparency is a goal. How do you achieve that?
USTA Exec: Absolutely, when we create something, it's visible. (In reality, we operate in secrecy, with minimal accountability, simply because we can, and no one, not even Javier Palenque, can stop us. We affectionately call him Don Quixote. It's a thrilling experience; you should try it. Watch our windmill turn.)

Commish: How can our readers make a million dollars while doing almost nothing?
USTA Exec: For some, it might take a few years, but for the fortunate ones, it’s an annual achievement. Just do your best, and you’ll reach that level. (My idol is Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec. You mainly need a lot of office supplies to meticulously organize pencils and segregate different types of paper. Spend hours contemplating the arrangement, then move everything around monthly to keep it interesting. Crafting the perfect email is another excellent time-waster. Why be concise when you can weave in personal inquiries, extend thank yous, and elaborate unnecessarily? Send it to multiple people for feedback, hoping for a ‘reply all’ to trigger an endless email chain. Make sure to respond to every email.)

Commish: I love the no accountability angle, knowing I’ll never face backlash from higher-ups trying to sabotage my career. Can you comment on that?
USTA: We hear that often. Rest assured, there's no vindictive behavior from us or our organization; we’re just lovable teddy bears. (Actually, we’ve been trying to unmask you and will crush you once we do. We’ve even engaged the CIA, FBI, Mossad, and FSB writing analysts to discover your identity and publicly flog you until morale improves.)

Commish: Can you explain the court’s timeline for a $9,000,000 penalty? Couldn’t someone have settled for less? What about proactive issue resolution?
USTA: Once we were aware of the problem, we took some time but ultimately did nothing, aligning with our first answer. (Denial is our primary strategy; victim-blaming is also significant. We trust our hires over complainants. They’re lucky to receive such high-level coaching, so why should they bring charges?)

Commish: What's the timeline for the National Tennis Center becoming the National Pickleball Center?
USTA: No comment.

Commish: Is there a designated leader for abuse reports? If they fail, making $1,000,000 while the USTA incurs a $9,000,000 penalty, isn't that a net loss?
USTA: It’s my job, and we weren’t aware of the problem, or at least that’s the PR director's line. Given our other expenditures, 9Mil is insignificant. You should see our debt service!

Commish: I’m aware your executive slogan is “Ignore The Noise,” meaning ignore undue criticism. It seems this has evolved to ignore constructive criticism and fresh ideas. Why?
USTA: Did you say something?

Commish: Reports indicate that the USTA handles junior cheating by punishing whistleblowers. Is this true?
USTA: What do you expect us to do? Punish our friends? Complaints only spotlight the issue, forcing us to act, so banning complainers from junior play works. (Some million-dollar funds are off-the-books ‘gifts.’ We won't penalize benefactors.)

Commish: Hence, this interview is a thought experiment.

Commish: How do you manage conflicts of interest where leadership ties to tennis businesses or other organizations are concerned?
USTA: You say that like it’s bad. We believe centralized power simplifies decisions, reducing the need for transparency, as you’ll eventually see what we do.

Commish: Thanks for your time and for sharing what you do for tennis.
USTA: The least I could do for a fictitious interview, burning hours driving, stopping for coffee, doing the interview, taking a long lunch, and returning to finish that week-long email. You’ve helped me inch closer to making a million dollars while doing almost nothing.