Why parents should stay in the stands: Let coaches do their job

I drive a car, but I know nothing about how to fix one. If my car breaks down, I take it to a mechanic—someone who’s trained, qualified, and experienced. I trust their expertise. So why do so many parents feel the need to get involved in coaching their kids on the tennis court?

Recently, I ran an Under-10 group session with 8 players—and 8 assistant wannabe coaches, aka the parents. Every single parent was shouting advice, mimicking swings, shaking their heads, or offering encouragement like “Good shot!” or “Come on!” It’s clear to me that parents only want what’s best for their children, and kids, in turn, want to please their parents. But this dynamic creates a problematic cycle that can hinder development.

Let’s dive into why parents feel the need to get involved in their kids’ tennis training and explore the negative impact it has on their children’s growth—both on and off the court.

Why Do Parents Get Involved?

1. Rescuing Their Child from Struggle

Parents don’t like to see their kids struggle. They hate witnessing errors, frustration, or sadness. Tennis, like any sport, involves mistakes and setbacks, but when parents see their child falter, their instinct is to swoop in and “save” them.

This rescue mission often takes the form of offering advice from the sidelines: “Stand here,” “Follow through,” “You’re tired today, that’s why you’re missing.” The problem is twofold. First, by rescuing the child, parents are stealing vital learning opportunities. Mistakes are essential for players to adapt and self-organize; without errors, there’s no growth. Second, parents don’t have the same level of experience, knowledge, or skill as the coach. So the advice they offer is not only unhelpful but often detrimental to their child’s development.

2. Ego and Pride

Every parent is proud of their child. We all want to show off their accomplishments and offer them opportunities we may not have had ourselves. But this pride can often morph into ego, where parents start to use their child’s success as a reflection of their own achievements.

This becomes especially toxic when parents begin comparing their children to others. It’s not uncommon to see parents posting their child’s wins on social media, bragging about how many private lessons they have, or how far they’re willing to drive to get their child into tournaments. Once one parent starts, others follow suit, creating a competitive environment—not just for the kids, but for the parents themselves. This kind of comparison wouldn’t happen outside of sports, but when parents sit behind the court, egos flare.

3. Mini Professionals

Another trend in youth sports—and not just in tennis—is the idea of treating young children like mini professionals. These kids are dressed in full professional gear, have strength and conditioning sessions, sports psychology lessons, and even therapy sessions. Early specialization and regimented training schedules that would make even Rafael Nadal wince are becoming the norm.

These parents have bought into the “grind” mentality—endless hard work, dedication, and commitment. While these values are important, they’ve forgotten one key fact: these are children. They miss out on birthdays, playdates, and holidays, all in the pursuit of a dream that might never come to fruition. It’s a sad and scary trend that often steals away their childhood.

The Negative Effects on Children

When parents become over-involved in their child’s tennis development, it can have profound effects on the child’s emotional and mental well-being. Here are three common outcomes I see when parents cross the line:

1. Emotional Control Issues

Children with overbearing parents are often the most emotional players. You see it all the time—racket throwing, emotional outbursts, frustration at the first sign of an error, and complete meltdowns after a loss. These kids feel like they are failing the person they love most, their parent. They feel immense pressure to succeed, and when they fall short, it’s as though they’ve let their parent down. This can lead to desperate behaviors, like cheating, in the hope of securing a win.

2. Lack of Problem-Solving, Resilience, and Decision-Making

Players with over-involved parents often struggle with decision-making on the court. They lack the ability to solve problems independently because they’ve been conditioned to rely on external guidance. These players are easy to spot—they’re the ones constantly looking for help after every error. They play safe, passive tennis, sticking rigidly to plans that might not even be working. When things get tough, they give up because they’re used to someone swooping in to rescue them. Excuses soon follow about their opponent, the weather, or how tired they feel, rather than taking ownership of their performance.

3. Early Burnout

Here’s the biggest tragedy: many of these kids stop playing tennis altogether by their early teens. After years of being pushed to live like mini professionals, they’re burned out emotionally and mentally. After years of missed childhood experiences, by the age of 13 or 14, they’ve had enough. Tennis loses them forever. Parents might blame the coach, injuries, or the governing body, but rarely do they look in the mirror and see their own role in driving their child away from the sport.

The Real Cost of Over-Involvement

So, what’s driving this trend? In my experience, it comes down to a lack of parent education. Parents don’t know what they don’t know. Coaches are often afraid to confront parents for fear of losing the player or their income. And there’s a deep misunderstanding of what youth sports should be about: keeping children active, having fun, and promoting their physical and mental development.

Parents, take this message to heart: Be a parent, not a coach. Let the actual coach fine-tune the car while you sit back and enjoy the ride. Don’t let your own fears, pride, or misguided ideas steal the joy of the game from your child. Remember, this journey should be about their development, not your expectations.

Conclusion: Let the Coach, Coach

Coaching is complex and requires a level of expertise that most parents simply don’t have. Just like I wouldn’t pretend to fix my own car, parents shouldn’t pretend to be the coach. Kids need space to grow, make mistakes, and find their own path. By stepping back, you give your child the chance to truly learn, develop, and most importantly, enjoy the sport.

If you’re a tennis parent reading this, ask yourself: Am I truly supporting my child’s development, or am I letting my ego get in the way? Let’s keep the joy in tennis and ensure that the only job a parent has is to support their child’s love for the game.